#FASHIONZ: All 20 (Mostly Very Ugly) 2014-15 English Premier League Kits

  • Jake O'Donnell

Soccer has a way of being the coolest, sleekest, trendiest sport on Earth — essentially played by underwear models no less — yet the uniforms look like pop up ads from 1998. Serious, what the hell is this:

In defense of soccer kits, there are a lot of them and they change often, so designers are often scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to fresh ideas. Oh wait, did we say designers? We meant Chinese clowns who work with MS Paint. Again, the hell is this shit:

This year’s crop of tiny tees really is no different than the last, oh I dunno, 35 years of English Premier League uniforms. What ever happened to cool, simple, normal fitting clothing? Why does everything have to look like a wetsuit for a competitive drag queen jetski league? Someone explain this, please:

Ya, you’d better be #fearless to rock that thing. Jesus.

The worst part, though, is that Manchester United’s classic kit looks like it’s been hit head on by a Chevy Silverado and the hood ornament got stuck on the front of the shirt. Like, Chevy, we know you’re American, but do you have to scream it from a mountaintop like some sort of Baptist cult leader? It would have been more subtle if the uniforms played Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock” from small speakers in the armpits.

This is Europe — y’all gotta lead the way with the fashion stuff. Please.