LET THEM HAVE COKE: 6 Reasons Why Cocaine (And Other Drugs) Should Be Legal On The PGA Tour

  • Jake O'Donnell

Paulina Gretzky’s fiance and professional golfer, Dustin Johnson, tested positive for cocaine in a recent tour mandated drug test. Do we have to now boo him in a subdued, courteous manner?

[Very tame noise of golf jeers fills the gallery]

If you’re anything like me, the news that a guy used cocaine on a professional golf tour is hardly interesting/news at all. First off, he’s dating a party animal. Secondly, he’s a golfer (which is basically a really unproductive farmer who intermittently hits the ground with a stick). Thirdly, well, maybe this is just me, but I assume EVERYONE with money does cocaine ALL THE DAMN TIME. It’s just a theory, but I can’t imagine that rich people — especially rich 30-year-olds like Johnson — go out to the most exclusive clubs, blow thousands of dollars on booze, get their asses kissed, and at some point, DON’T shove things up their nose holes for #fun.

This Dustin Johnson story is such a salacious tabloid who-gives-a-fuck I’m surprised my aunt didn’t call me and tell me about. “Hey, have you heard about that Johnson boy, I heard he’s using the cocaine!”

Oh, and there’s the fact that Dustin Johnson tests positive for all sorts of shit all the time. So why are we being told about this? Because the PGA Tour drug tests its members for recreational drugs. Guys, c’mon — stop doing that.

For the record, I’m not condoning drug usage (I’ve been slowly losing old friends to heroin for the last 10 years, so I’m definitely not a big advocate of the stuff). All I’m saying is that drug test results that get headlines aren’t constructive usages of influence whatsoever. If he hurt someone, sure, that’d be a big deal we might want to know about — but all Dustin Johnson did was give himself a worse hangover (assuming he drank when he was doing coke).

It’s not like people are spending their entire paycheck to go watch Dustin Johnson compete on tour like, say, they do with a guy like Peyton Manning. If Peyton Manning comes out and shits the bed on a Sunday afternoon because he was out all night doing cocaine, I’d like to think the fans who paid a ton of money to go see him have a right to know. But golf is a different ballgame, literally. Most people drink while they play, and young people smoke weed WHILE THEY PLAY. If the PGA’s problem with drugs is that they affect the on-course product, they’re both wrong and missing the point that people play golf precisely because it’s drug friendly.

Here are six reasons why they should stop testing for recreational drugs on the tour:

6) It’s not like kids watch golf — and even if they did, publicizing news that a player used drugs only makes it seem more normal. There’s no way that these dudes are role models, so stop acting like kids have Ernie Els (or Dustin Johnson) posters on their walls. They don’t, so let these guys be adults with some autonomy.
5) They’re going to do it anyway. It’s not like the deterrent of drug testing is going to affect the habits of players who really want to use drugs. Substance addiction is a medical condition, and addicts always find a way to get around tests (especially for coke, which stays in your system for a short period of time). If Dustin Johnson is testing positive for cocaine, he’s got a problem. Let him deal with and stop making it our business.
4) This is America. Stop sniffing everyone’s pee to see which commandment they’ve disobeyed.
3) Drugs are still against the law/bad for you, so it only hurts players in the long run by using them. It’d be naive to think that the worst thing that can happen from drug usage is a suspension. Adults know what they’re getting into when they get high — let ’em roll the dice.
2) Golf is so boring, we can totally understand why a PGA pro would engage in risky behavior off the course. Have you ever played golf? How about 54 holes a day like most PGA pros? I’m surprised they’re not handing out mind-altering substances at the 18th green-oh-wait-they-are-it’s-called-vodka-nevermind.
1) No one cares if a player is doing drugs in their free time. After all, 11% of recreational golfers smoke weed on the course.

Now look at his hot lady and have a great weekend doing whatever the hell you want.