Mascot Power Rankings: ‘Raider Rusher’ Steals Children’s Souls

  • Rick Chandler

I would have figured the Oakland Raiders to be the last team standing in the We-Don’t-Have-A-Mascot Club, even after the Packers and the Jets. But in the age of multiple kids’ TV channels and mind-and-thumb-numbing social media, it’s corporate suicide not to have something that appeals to children that you can animate and put on Nickelodeon.

The problem with Raider Rusher, however, is that kids are more likely to flee him than to want to hug him. The spikes alone should be enough for many colorful lawsuits, and how is any self-respecting teenager going to resist the urge to try and punt him down the stairs? Raider Rusher was unveiled by the Raiders earlier this week, with an animated version to appear on Nickelodeon’s “NFL Rush Zone”. The good news is that he will be restricted to certain areas of the Coliseum, and will not actually be on the field.

The profile:

Name: Raider Rusher.

Team: Oakland Raiders (NFL).

Description: Large, spiked helmet head attached to legs, with no body. Useless, T-Rex arms and illegal one-bar facemask.

Police record: Stalking, annoying, second-degree burglary, check forgery, indecent exposure, tax evasion.

Let’s run down the rest of the rankings:


It’s the triumphant return of the Mascot Power Rankings, in which we endeavor to list the top mascots of the moment, ranked by awesomeness, horribleness and/or straight-up WTF-ness. If you know a mascot you’d like to nominate, or are one, send details to, or, or Can a patriot do any less?