MMA Fighter Allegedly Suffers What Sounds Like The Worst Injury Ever, Via Penis Gel

  • Eric Goldschein

Mixed martial artists are used to suffering brutal injuries — battered eye sockets and broken bones come with the job. But no man is prepared to deal with an injury like the one Michael Waylon Lowe inflicted upon himself when he used the Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel during a September bout of “lovemaking.” Yeah, it sounds horrible.

According to a complaint filed last week, Lowe had applied the gel to… himself and then, you know, started boning. The prolonged, tingly session was ostensibly going well until his fiancée had to pause the activities to attend to their 3-year-old daughter [who we hope was not awoken by the sounds of a prolonged session of tingly lovemaking]. Then, chaos:

Before she returned, Lowe “began to experience excruciating pain and pressure in his penis,” the lawsuit states. “He removed the condom and his penis swelled significantly. He sought emergency medical treatment and follow-up care thereafter.”

The complaint accuses the defendants of negligence and product liability for failing to provide proper instructions, warn users of risks, and design and test the gel to ensure its safety.

It claims that Lowe suffered “catastrophic and permanent damage,” including penile scarring, loss of sensation and function; nerve and tissue damage; humiliation, embarrassment and mental anguish; lost wages and earning capacity; and loss of life’s pleasures.

If you are a man — nay, if you are a human, you can understand the devastation that a scarred, sensation-less and unusable penis brings. “Loss of life’s pleasures” is a perfectly accurate description of how this must feel.

Lowe is suing the Philadelphia sex shop where he bought the gel, as well as product’s creators Kama Sutra Co. and Kamsut Inc., for $50,000 in damages — which, given the above description, sounds like not nearly enough money. How do you put a price on life’s pleasures? You don’t. You just… don’t.

It’s unclear if there’s a lesson to be learned from this. Be careful what you buy at a sex shop? Don’t put foreign substances on your penis? Don’t let children interrupt your lovemaking? Hopefully this lawsuit will provide some answers for a general public that didn’t want to hear anything about this in the first place.

[Bob’s Blitz]

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