Novak Djokovic’s Futuristic Energy Pod Will One Day Overtake Humanity
All of us rubes. We thought the historically superb tennis played by Novak Djokovic this year was simply the result of a young guy with all the talent in the world refining his game, maturing mentally, and some luck...all aided by his efforts to combat his gluten allergy. But it's never that simple, friends. No, The Wall Street Journal brings us the real reason Nole's dominated his opponents so: the CVAC Pod, AN ENERGY-RESTORATION APPARATUS FROM THE FUTURE.
You can see this device in the photo above. Remember that sight, as soon it will rule us all. Currently there are only 20 in the world, but there will be more. Are we overreacting? Here's how it works:
It uses a computer-controlled valve and a vacuum pump to simulate high altitude and compress the muscles at rhythmic intervals.
The company claims that spending up to 20 minutes in the pod three times a week can boost athletic performance by improving circulation, boosting oxygen-rich red-blood cells, removing lactic acid and possibly even stimulating mitochondrial biogenesis and stem-cell production.
IT KNOWS YOUR BODY BETTER THAN YOUR BODY ITSELF. Meanwhile, Djokovic offers himself to this RoboGod without one thought for the future of civilization:
"It's like a spaceship. It's very interesting technology."
You FOOL! THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS! First, it's "Wow, this is cool!" And before you know it: IT CONTROLS YOU. To wit:
"[P]od users don't do much beyond sitting while they are inside"
Terrific: it controls your body while reducing you to a SIMPLE-MINDED CRETIN. Does Djokovic not understand that VIGILANCE IS REQUIRED TO STAVE OFF OUR ROBOT ENEMY?! More alarming details from WSJ's Hannah Karp:
The pod Djokovic is using for the Open belongs to 38-year-old tennis pro Gordon Uehling III...Uehling declined to comment for this article.
Oh, GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE, DO YOU?!?! Like that you're a CVAC Pod that's taken on human form in an attempt to lure world-class athletes into exposing their inner bodily workings so you can collect their information and use it to create AN ARMY OF CLONES?! Is THAT what you declined to comment on, you AUTOMATON MENACE?!?!?! Thankfully some haven't fallen into the devious trap:
[Fomer tennis pro Vince] Spadea says he didn't dare set foot in the pod himself because he doesn't share Djokovic's "daredevil mentality."
Well, some of us still care about humanity. We wish we could say the same for CVAC Djokovic, as he will soon be known. Hope those two, possibly three, majors in 2011 are worth it when we're all SLAVES TO THE MACHINES.
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