Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-Forever New York Knicks

  • Jake O'Donnell

Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. Today: We’ll explain why the New York Knicks are exactly what you think they are.

You know how sometimes, rich kids can’t seem to get out of their own way, despite having all the resources in the world at their disposal? They’re victims of their own cushy reality. Why push yourself when you don’t need to? Why strive for greatness when you’ve already got a sweet car and hot girlfriend? Why bust your ass trying blaze your own trail, when you can just float around a few lofty title-only jobs at your Dad’s company and never have to worry about being fired or yelled at or going into the office?

That’s James Dolan.

And that’s the anthropomorphized New York Knicks franchise.

Here’s why the Knicks are screwed, forever, in the most abstract of terms. They never actually have to be good to make money. Madison Square Garden is 10 blocks from Times Square — the most visited landmark on the face of the Earth behind the Eifel Tower — and it’s filled with tourists regardless of the quality of the Knicks’ roster. Do it. Go to a Knicks game. Half of the fans in the upper deck area are speaking Italian.

You think that happens in San Antonio? Of course not. They actually have to field a decent squad to stay profitable, and they do. Every year.

Not the Knicks, though. All they have to do, is not murder anyone. Literally.

The only way the Knicks could become unpopular, would be if players started going into the stands and murdering fans.

Ya know what, sometimes when I watch Amar’e Stoudamire routinely fail to catch basketballs during crucial moments of Playoff games I’ve paid $400 to go see, I wish they’d just come up and finish me off.

Go to sleep Jake.

Because this is the case, the Knicks can meander around the early stages of the Playoffs, gouging prices and getting out hustled, giving drug enthusiast players $24M 4-year contracts, signing knee injuries, firing GM’s for doing a great job, hiring Isiah Thomases, all while their owner dances on your paycheck at the Jones Beach Nokia theater — patronizing the fans who simply want to see a decent basketball team make a playoff run.

Not sure what that last reference means? Here, check this out:

On July 28th, 2011, me and my then girlfriend went to go see Aretha Franklin and Al Green in concert. Al Green was pulled at the last second, and replaced by JD and the Straight Shots — a corny rock group front manned by Knicks owner and Cablevision CF-who-the-fuck-cares, James Dolan (he asked the crowd to refer to him as “J.D. Cool”, and I’m not kidding). Among the inane attempts at music JD and the Straight Shots forced us to endure (set list included a song about touching poop), was this a bouncing Sweet Georgia Brown-esque fuck-you called “Fix The Knicks.” It was about how James Dolan perceives his primary function in life — managing a successful NBA franchise.

NEWSFLASH: He doesn’t give a shit about you, the Knicks, your money, Carmelo Anthony, parking, winning, losing, or basketball. He just likes calling the shots and smiling like a guy who inherited the entire world. Shots like firing Glen Grunwald because he couldn’t attract stars. Motherfucking Dolan! You’re the reason you can’t attract stars! What NBA superstar would want to come play for a psychopath who, up until last week, hadn’t addressed the media since the last decade! Who hires audio technicians to eavesdrop on his star player during warmups?

No one.

So it doesn’t matter that the Knicks have the fourth best roster in the Eastern Conference. It doesn’t matter that they won 54 games and a Playoff series last year. It doesn’t matter that they still don’t have an answer to the tougher, more physical Pacers, Bulls, and Heat. It doesn’t matter that they’ll never get a high enough lottery pick to rebuild the team around a young star. It doesn’t matter that they rely on breaking NBA three-point shooting records to win games. It doesn’t matter that, at it’s core, the team is still a failed D’Antoni project. It doesn’t matter that you’re adding a stupid fucking catwalk above the court. It doesn’t matter that J.R. Smith isn’t going to be half the player he was the last two years now that he’s got a lucrative multi-year deal. It doesn’t matter that Carmelo goes ice cold in the playoffs. It doesn’t matter that you’ll have cap room in two years. It doesn’t matter that the Brooklyn Nets are better, and they’ve existed for two years.

All that matters, is they’ll never win an NBA Championship. Ever. Because they don’t need to.

Actual Season Prediction: 43-39. Lose in the first round to the Brooklyn Nets.