Roger Federer Lost In Straight Sets Today. He’s Washed Up. He Should Just Retire Already.

  • Matt Rudnitsky

When a popular athlete fails in America, troll columnists are the first responders. The brave anti-heros. Within hours, they pounce. They troll. We then either ignore, or castigate. But when Roger Federer loses in the Quarterfinals at the French Open, there are virtually no troll columns. This is mainly because he is Swiss and likable, and tennis writing doesn’t attract or produce trolls. And we are all better off for it. But something just doesn’t feel right. An aging athlete loses in a mild upset (he was a -175 favorite via betting odds), and nobody trolls? Sports media cannot risk gaining a positive reputation. In honor of SB Nation’s Troll Tuesday, we will give the people what they don’t want.

MY KITCHEN ISLAND, AMERICA, USA — Did you watch Jo-Wilfried Tsonga’s 7-5, 6-3, 6-3 dismantling of washed-up tennis great Roger Federer?

I didn’t.

You wanna know why?

Because I already knew the result.

How, you ask? Wasn’t Federer seeded second? Wasn’t Tsonga seeded sixth? Wasn’t this a mild, slightly-unexpected upset?

Those are great points. If you’re from 2003. (And if you are, tell me how you got here.)

Roger Federer is like those gnarly, tattered jeans that my 14-year-old son’s friends wear. If I locked my Pitbull in a room with them for three hours with no food. He’s a pair of three-year-old, baggy Aéropostale jeans that have been destroyed. He was overhyped to begin with, and now he looks bad. And he doesn’t fit.

If you didn’t see this coming, you’re not paying attention. Roger Federer is 31 years old. You wanna know who else is 31? “The Situation.” And you’re telling me they’re both not wasted?

Reality check: Jersey Shore stopped being funny three years ago. Roger Federer stopped being good ages ago. You were just too busy kowtowing to a European. If we’re not careful, we’ll be colonized soon.

America is the greatest country in the world, but Americans make me sick.

When was the last time Federer won a major that wasn’t Wimbledon? 2010. The old Yankee Stadium was still standing in 2010. Olympic Silver Medal in 2012?

More like Olshmimpic Shmilver Shmedal.

If you think that’s impressive, you probably think Mitt Romney should be vice president. You probably have your head up your bum.

People say Roger Federer is the greatest tennis player of all time. I have some news for you: there are three guys who’ve had better careers than him, that are playing right now.

Four if you count Tsonga.

Wanna hear some facts? Andy Murray has won one Grand Slam. He’s Scottish.

He has a winning record against Federer.

So does Rafael Nadal.

Novak Djokovic? Show me Serbia on a map and we’ll talk.

The facts don’t lie. And they’re staring you in your dumb, espresso-loving face.

The bottom line is: Roger Federer needs to retire. I don’t care if he’s not American, he’s being un-American. He’s a disgrace to the sport, and he should stop kidding himself.

His legacy is already destroyed.

He might as well quit and have time to eat some chocolate.

Photo via