If The NFL Cared About Player Safety, They’d Legalize HGH

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Roger Goodell NFL HGH PEDs Steroids

If HGH is illegal and evil, every league should test for it. Fin.

Tests used to be unreliable, but scientists have changed that, with their science. The false-positive rate is virtually zero. An HGH test won’t catch everybody, but it won’t catch the wrong people, and it will deter people from taking HGH, even if only to a small degree. It will be an improvement of unsure magnitude.

Yet MLB is the only major American sports league that tests for HGH, and they just started.

Clearly, if HGH is evil, as Roger Goodell will have you believe, the NFL should start testing for it immediately. If HGH is evil, bad people are getting away with bad things, and we don’t tolerate this in America. You might even have had these criminals on your fantasy football team. You basically stuck the needles in your flex player’s ass, you accomplice, you!

But, truth bomb: HGH is not evil! Which means that HGH should be legalized, in some capacity. The only reasons that it isn’t legal or universally tested for, are politics, incompetence and miscellaneous bull droppings.

Here is the case for the NFL legalizing HGH.

The playing field is uneven and unfair (unless everybody is using).

We know there are “cheaters.” We have no idea who they are. Our current system is pure idiocy. Did certain teams have an edge due to drugs? Are there players who got cut because they didn’t want to break the rules? An uneven playing field isn’t fair to teams, players, fans, owners, coaches and Miley Cyrus. Who the fuck is “cheating”?

The 185-pound receiver using HGH to make up for his poor nutrition (Nutrition 505: McDonald’s ≠ Musclez)? The 400-pound lineman who’s doing it to slim down? The “normal” sized cornerback that’s doing it to recover from a knee injury? The coach who wants to stay ripped despite his habit of NON-ANABOLIC tequila shots? The player who uses it for ABZ and gets more girls, but it doesn’t help his play? The moron that’s using banned Deer Antler Spray even though it’s useless?

Is ROIDrian Peterson cheating, or is he just a talented, professional Monster Becomer who is on the toilet shitting out five pounds of Postworkout Organic Elk Turds, proteins synthesizing, musculature expanding, while you’re getting hernias reaching for your dirty Lay’s under your Vikings recliner? (Note: I am not accusing Adrian Peterson of anything, but his name sounds comical with “ROID” in it. Sorry.)

How do you know if a guy is perfectly natural, or if he’d be 10 pounds lighter without his HGH, or 20 without his steroids and HGH, or five pounds lighter without his (legal) creatine?

There is a legitimate argument: players are way bigger than they were in the past, so they must all be cheaters! This can be easily challenged by mentioning the tremendous advances in fitness and nutrition. And budgets, for both. Natural bodybuilders exist, yet if you saw these non-cheaters on the street, you would convulse and search for their shrunken testicles.

Then again, there have assuredly been also-tremendous advances by world-class scientists, in their world-class drug cocktails.

We don’t know what the fuck is going on, because we are NFL Locker Room Aliens. Really clueless ones with small biceps.

If we actually care about player safety, we should want players to use HGH.

See that backup offensive lineman who is slightly less of a bloated hippopotamus than the defensive lineman he goes up against in practice? He doesn’t use HGH. Hippo No. 2 does. Hippo No. 2 hurt Hippo No. 1 because he’s a cheater. How is that fair? Why would it be “cheating” if a player just wanted to level the playing field? Why would it be “cheating” if a player wanted to protect himself from players that are bigger than him, and thus more likely to injure him?

Roger Goodell governs the NFL as if it’s a fist-fight. But lots of players have guns and knives, and there are no metal detectors.

Also, by legalizing HGH, players would be less compelled to use other, more dangerous drugs.

It seems intuitive that preventing HGH use is good for player safety, but it’s not. Player safety is actually the biggest reason for legalizing HGH.

There would be a more level playing field. Sure, players would be incentivized to use it, and it’s not fair to compel a player to use a drug he doesn’t want to use. But players are currently incentivized to use HGH, because guys are probably using it and not getting caught. Nothing would change, in that sense. Things would just be more transparent. When your Packers friend yells at you in December about the NFL-leading PED-troit Lions (note: hypothetical), you would have a retort, and things would seem much, much more fair.

Seriously, aren’t we all for player safety? How is this so controversial?

But cheating is bad, right?

The main arguments against HGH use are cheating and player safety.

I just covered player safety. What about cheating?

If it’s legal, it’s not cheating. Problem solved. Take that, cheap moralists.

Wait, but isn’t HGH really bad for you? Isn’t that why it’s illegal?

First, a primer: human growth hormone is not a steroid. Anabolic steroids are synthetic versions of testosterone. Steroids are universally tested for. There are probably still ways to skirt the system, but it’s clear that the steroids “problem” has been alleviated significantly. They are what Bartolo Colon, Melky Cabrera and Alex Rodriguez tested positive for. They are the “granddaddy of steroids,” according to Victor Conte, who is basically the human granddaddy of steroids.

Anabolic steroids are universally banned, and there’s not much of an argument for them, except by people who want everything legalized and would prefer to watch robots murder each other than watch football. They can play Blitz: The League, shoot up themselves, and masturbate to Kimbo Slice videos. This is compromise.

Anabolic steroids are more dangerous than HGH. The performance-enhancing benefits of HGH aren’t widely discussed and are often dismissed. Right now, HGH is illegal to use without a prescription, and it’s illegal in professional sports. But, the question is, in a hypothetical world, should Johnny Football (damn it, I was going for a generic name) be able to go to Dr. Steve Sportsball and receive a prescription that says: “Jonathan Football: (1) amount of HGH for the über-moral-and-legit off-label use of THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?”

NEXT: What the hell does HGH do? Is it really so bad?