Shut Up, Dr. J: We Don’t Need To Hear About How Your Daughter Was Conceived

  • Eric Goldschein

julius ervingWelcome to a special edition of SportsGrid’s “Shut Up,” (pronounced: “shut up… comma”) where we add a name after the comma, telling that person to stop saying words, because they’re being stupid. This week, we tell Julius Erving, also known as Dr. J, that he needs to shut up before he loses our respect entirely.

Dr. J, you were awesome at basketball. But it seems you have a lot to learn about being a dad, or at least a decent person who doesn’t run their mouth about their sexual conquests, especially when somebody’s very existence is involved.

It appears that you wrote an autobiography entitled “Dr. J,” which a writer from the New York Post’s Page Six got a copy of yesterday. Richard Johnson relayed to us a most unsavory excerpt from the book, in which you detail your relationship Samantha Stevenson, the mother of your daughter Alexandra. You had never met Alexandra, a pro tennis player, until she initiated a meeting in 2008, and now you “keep up” between tournaments.

So while you two may not be close, there was little reason for you to share the following story:

“[Samantha] becomes someone who helps me unwind if I’m feeling high-strung or stressed. I can drive over and spend a relaxing evening that might even include oral sex… I can only remember one time that we actually had intercourse, and that was because she had just gotten this new orthodontia to straighten her teeth. With wire and gleaming metal bristling in her mouth, oral sex was not an option.”

First of all, Doc, you’re a basketball player, not Hemingway. Is “wire and gleaming metal bristling in her mouth” your way of being creative? It forms a terrible mental image of you refusing to stick your dick into a basket of metal hairs.

But the real issue, of course, is that you’re telling the world that Alexandra — a real human being with emotions and feelings, no doubt — wouldn’t exist if not for this unfortunate turn of events. “Well honey, you were born when I needed to get off but couldn’t stand the thought of tearing my wang on your mother’s railroad track mouth gear, so I decided to hit it raw and quit it immediately.”

It’s gross to hear your parents talk about sex. It’s horrible to hear that your life was essentially a mistake. So how must Alexandra feel when her father describes her mother as a seminal vessel, into which he implanted a human life only after turning down his usual blowjob?

How about showing a little restraint and decency when it comes to your family? Like it or not, Doc, Alexandra is your own seed and blood, and letting the world know in gritty detail how she was conceived is almost certainly not why we wanted to read a book about your life anyway.

So shut up, Dr. J. Shut up hard, and long, and then build a time machine, go into the past, and chop off the hand that wrote this foul passage to begin with.

Photo via Getty