Terrifying ‘Frankenfish’ Caught In The Potomac River Just Wants To Be Loved

  • Rick Chandler

Welcome to Virginia, where the fish are gigantic, are equipped with large, sharp teeth and are able to chase you on land. Other than that, the Northern snakehead fish is adorable, and would make a nice pet. Happy angling!

Its nickname is Frankenfish, and it’s native to China, Russia and North Korea — which leads me to believe that it’s the product of a nuclear accident of some kind. But it’s been illegally introduced to North American waters, and they’ve been pulling them out of the Potomac River in Virginia lately. Just what we need. This one’s 17-pounds, six-ounces and more than three feet long, believed to be a world record. It was caught by Virginia man Caleb Newton, who we’re assuming still has all of his fingers.

Frankenfish is also an eating machine (bonus: it’s also a cannibal) and has no known natural predators. It’s been declared an invasive species (as detailed in its photo down at the post office), and orders are to kill, and barbecue, on sight. It is reportedly armed and delicious.

But could it be that the Northern snakehead fish is simply misunderstood? “Sure I look terrifying when I walk out of the river and try to eat your dog. But really I’m just looking for a friend. Let’s snuggle.”