The Dutch Kick Speed Skating Ass, Leave Arena Before Event Is Done…

  • Jake O'Donnell

Skating 5,000 meters isn’t fun — unless you’re doing it with your friends, and you’re all winning. Enter the Dutch Olympic speed skating team: The Seattle Seahawks defense of skin-tight lycra ice racing. No sooner did the U.S. christen the games with a gold medal in slopestyle snowboarding (you can read about Sage Kotsenburg’s victory, here), then did Holland sweep in the sport they’ve cornered for the last century.

Why are they so good? Practice, and to a greater extent, The Netherlands is the tallest country in the world, with males averaging 6’1″, which gives them a distinct advantage in all sports that require long motions conducive for “gliding.” They’re similarly awesome in swimming, so the conversion makes sense on the frozen stuff.

Our closest guy, Emery Lehman, finished nearly 20 seconds behind Sven Kramer’s gold-winning, Olympic record-breaking time of 6:10:46 (a record he set at 6:14:60 in Vancouver). And no, bird-flipper Sjinkie Knegt did not compete in the event.

Kramer apparently didn’t stick around to watch the rest of the field finish. Bad sportsmanship? Eh, seems borderline douchey (though we’re not exactly up to date on speed skating etiquette). Al Michaels isn’t either, as he had the similarly confused reaction of “Whatever,” which we found pretty funny coming from THE quintessential Olympic broadcaster.

Screencap via CBC