Five Ways To Revitalize The Nathan’s 4th Of July Hot Dog Eating Contest
Hot dogs are disgusting. They contain meat trimmings from animals you don't want to know about; fat; tons of salt; and preservatives such as sodium erythorbate and sodium nitrite. And brace yourself -- according to a study by Clear Food Labs, the typical hot dog contains 2 percent human DNA.
So we're only 98 percent from my hot dog getting up off the plate and telling me the weather.
On July 4th, we celebrated a guy eating 72 of those people dogs in 10 minutes. Joey Chestnut broke the world record for hot dog eating on Tuesday, and thus consumed the most disgusting ingredients of all common foods to be called the biggest glutton in the nation.
Joey Chestnut downed a record 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes today. Here's how many past Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest champs ate: pic.twitter.com/OOHQp9gOzJ
— NBC News (@NBCNews) July 5, 2017
Aren't we tired of this? Where do we go from here? 73 hot dogs? 83? 103? What is the possible appeal of watching a man stuff water-logged buns in his mouth? It's time to drop this contest, or change it.
My top five ways to improve the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, all five of which have been officially rejected by Major League Eating:
* Contestants are each given one giant hot dog, about the size of a mid-sized car, and whoever finishes first wins.
* One cage, 100 hot dogs, six competitors, one hungry bear.
* A delicious hot dog has been hidden in a location somewhere on Coney Island. Contestants must follow clues written in mustard on the sidewalk.
* Current rules apply, except that all hot dogs must be consumed while riding the Big Dipper.
* Close a beach in New Jersey and drop 800 hot dogs on Chris Christie and a walrus.
There is really no event that is more American -- a Festival of Gluttony that destroys your health as a drunken crowd cheers you on. And Nathan's, it seems, is slowly becoming self-aware. This year they're giving to charity:
— Cizzle (@CizzlingSports) July 5, 2017
And finally ...
— Robert Wells (@ElevateMao) July 4, 2017
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