A quick refresher for everyone: although they both start with the same three letters, “sex” and “sexual assault” are not synonyms. More at The Jane Dough.

Thank goodness the Mayans were wrong. Not only can we celebrate the new year without worrying about death by fire, but we can also look forward to more in 2013 from the best website of all time, MediaTakeOut. Here’s what they did in 2012. Apologies in advance to LeBron James.

Seasons may change, empires may fall, but MediaTakeOut will always, always be one of the treasures of the Internet. Here are 25 sports-related headlines that will bring a tear (of joy) to your eye.

It already hasn’t been a great summer for love, but the news that Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson and his wife Evelyn Lozada had a violent fight that resulted in the cancellation of the couple’s forthcoming VH1 reality show, a trip to the hospital for Lozada, and Johnson’s firing from the team, was genuinely shocking. UPDATE: It’s also led to their divorce.

Why this is all genuinely sad, after the jump.

Well, we couldn’t stay away. It’s been a while since we checked in on MediaTakeOut’s sports coverage, and we’re relieved to find that it’s still amazing. Here are 25 more fantastic sports headlines from the website whose headline game makes every other publication look hopelessly boring.

No exceptions! Ovechkin’s logic is understandable, except why is sex also a requirement after every game? Has he figured out a way to store up good luck for the future? Lapham’s Quarterly has a roundup of odd athlete superstitions, and they range from the unsurprising to the complicated to the inexplicable. More after the jump.

Some idiot celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman has convinced some other idiot billionaire Alki David, a soda bottling company heir to put up a million dollars apiece, and an additional million for charity (…?) for Drake and Chris Brown to fight each other – this time, in a controlled setting.

Bill Fong is Michelle Obama’s old high school classmate, a former hairdresser, a former aspiring professional golfer, and the first man to make me think that bowling could be exciting. See why after the jump.

LeBron James finally won an NBA championship, and since he has a bit of free time these days he can do fun things, like crash the wedding (or pre-wedding, rather) of a couple of avid Miami Heat fans. Nothing like the sudden, unexpected appearance of a 6-foot-8 local hero to make you feel short on your wedding day.

Cole Hamels was invited to participate in Shane Victorino’s annual charity fashion show. Nice, right? It seems like Cole Hamels thought that he was invited to star in Shane Victorino’s annual fashion show. That’s what these pictures suggest, anyway.