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NBAPretty Much Screwed

Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-2014 New Orleans Pelicans


Anthony Davis Unibrow Pelicans

Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. Today: Let’s discuss the New Orleans Pelicans.

Nobody knows what to expect from the first iteration of the New Orleans Pelicans. The New Orleans Hornets were a 27-win team last year, but the Pelicans are different.

The initial reaction to the name change echoed this Colin Cowherd tweet.

Then, people Wikipediad Pelicans and realized they know nothing about them, and that they’re awesome creatures. Well, if we’re discussing the brown ones. We only like the brown ones. No offense to the whites.

Via Deadspin:

The Brown Pelican is the state bird of Louisiana, and it’s the only species of pelican that dives to catch its prey. The Brown Pelican is a raptor, without the stupid purple dinosaur logo.

It cruises above the water, its eyesight so good that it can see fish beneath the surface from 60 feet up. Then it spirals into a death dive, streaking down upon the unsuspecting prey before it knows what hit it. The last thing that fish ever sees is the light blinking out as the pelican’s gaping beak closes around it, and it’s swallowed—while still alive.

The pelican will eat as much as four pounds of fish per day, nearly half its body weight. Its bloodlust is insatiable. It wants to kill you and everyone you’ve ever cared about. Don’t believe me? Here’s a pelican eating baby ducklings. And because that’s not cruel enough, it makes their mother watch.

Yeah.

My reaction was a bit different, because I was dropped on my head frequently as a child.

The New Orleans Hornets Are Now The New Orleans Ryan Andersons:

I stand by my analysis.

As for the team, they’re screwed. Here’s what you need to know:

They added Jrue Holiday and Tyreke Evans to their backcourt, which already contains Eric Gordon. This is potentially really good. ‘Reke will probably have to come off the bench. This may help him, or it may send him into a Pelican-like rage and make him murder an unsuspecting fan.

They also have Ryan Pelicanderson and Anthony Davis. This team may be screwed, but it will be fun.

Basically: they’re too good to tank, they’re committed to a talented core of weird players that could fit together and go nuts, but they could be really bad and be stuck with this team. They’re likely not getting a top pick. But their upside is what? Can you see any feasible way they finish above seventh in the West? I suppose that’s the best case scenario, and then their opponent loses its best player and they somehow make the second round.

They will be fun to watch, they have upside, and they are young. But they’re better than all the teams that are tanking, and they’re worse than the majority of teams that aren’t.

They’re Pretty Much Screwed, but of all the dudes you’ll watch get screwed this year on TV, this bunch will be the most entertaining.

Actual season prediction: 42-40, 10th in the West.

Photo via


  • HouseofCards

    Not nearly enough meat in this article.

  • Anonymous

    I hope your tongue was stuck to your cheek when you wrote this. Have you seen the pre-season games the PeliCANs have won? Tell it to Atlanta, why don’t you?

  • Anonymous

    it was, but i also hope yours was when you used preseason games as evidence

  • Anonymous

    i’m a vegetarian

  • Anonymous

    Preseason may be meaningless to sports-writers / comics but, for the rest of the fandom, it’s a glimpse of the future. See ya’ end-of-season in the playoffs. I will expect to see you bowing to the Brow.

  • Kujo_Daggs37

    To my fellow Pelicans fans: Don’t feed the trolls. That applies to writers too. Even poor excuses for writers like this one.

    Gordon will be traded once he puts up a few more regular season games like his preseason ones so far and stays healthy, ‘Reke will start 2guard, and all will be well in New Orleans’ backcourt. Hopefully that trade nets us a good center that actually breathes and has a pulse.

  • Anonymous

    good luck to you

  • Anonymous

    haha, ouch, that dig stung!!!

    i will feed you, though! how do you think you guys will do this year? i predicted you for 42 wins, yet you concede you don’t have a center and need to make a trade. it appears you are not much higher on the team than me. i’m confused as to why you’re upset, as my prediction was not very pessimistic. you are responding strangely.

    what’s your prediction?

  • HouseofCards

    Any good analysis of the Pelicans has to include that they massively screwed up the draft. They could have just signed Brandon Jennings in free agency while giving up no assets, instead they gave up Nerlens Noel – a rim protector, one of the most valuable assets in today’s NBA and LeBron’s kryptonite – and next year’s first round selection.


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