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NBAPretty Much Screwed

Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-14 Los Angeles Lakers


Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. That’s why we’re finally looking at the Lakers, who are probably your favorite team, will suck this year, and are screwed going forward.

Dwight Howard left and you got nothing in return. You could have, but something stopped you from seeing the writing on the wall. Even though you knew that he wanted Kobe out and you wouldn’t do that. Even though you knew he wanted D’Antoni out and you wouldn’t do that, either. Even though you knew that he’s the kind of guy who needs to get want he wants to be happy, or else he’s a miserable frowny faced fart.

Knowing all this, you still thought that because you’re the Los Angeles Lakers, he’d stick around, and that everything would be fine. Well he left. And you suck now. And you deserve it for being cocky.

Now, most prolific franchises lead by a top-tier star have to face the music at some point, and either A) wait for him to retire (and try and figure out a way to build a team around him that can compete) or B) trade him. Well, it looks like Kobe Bryant (who’s already said he will not take less money) is sticking around, and the Lakers won’t trade him or let him walk. Ok, so option A it is. Let’s talk about the pieces you’ve added around him, so as to not make his twilight years quite so pathetic.

Jordan Hill
Jordy Meeks
Jordan Farmar
Nick Young
Wesley Johnson
Chris Kaman
Steve Nash
Pau Gasol

Really? There’s nothing close to an All-Star on that team, and none of them can play a lick of defense. The roster sucks, quite frankly. You’ll desperately be looking to pick up something big next summer when all that cash comes off the books from Kobe and Pau’s contracts. Too bad no one will want to come play for this team.

Dwight Howard has already sounded the alarm for this generation of superstars. Kobe’s a dick. Don’t go there. Play for the Clippers if you like the celebrity lifestyle and weather.

It’s true. Carmelo is staying in New York and LeBron isn’t moving anywhere but Cleveland (or the NFL).

Sure, it’s feasible that Kevin Love and Russell Westbrook end up in L.A., but Kobe would have to take a pay cut for that to be possible. He won’t — out of principle and because he can get a max deal — and that’s precisely the kind of attitude teammates hate. Kobe still believes in his heart that he’s the same guy he was five years ago. He still thinks he’s better than everyone. He’s not, and he should find a way to take less money if he wants to win another championship and tie/surpass Jordan’s championship total. Which is what he wants. He wants to be thought of as better than Jordan. He’s about 600 points away from passing MJ’s career points total, and 7,000 away from Kareem’s all-time record of 38,387. He’ll hit those benchmarks if he plays another few seasons with this type of team…

The championships, though — they won’t come unless the Lakers add some star power. In fact, they’ll need two major stars to win a title again, and who knows how they’re going to do that. Maybe tanking this season and get an early draft pick (Kobe is sitting out to start the year). Shop Pau Gasol around. Acquire a few top notch role players. Hope one of them turns out to be way better than anticipated. Or just ask guys to come to L.A. and play with a curmudgeony Kobe as he hobbles his way into the history books. We’re rooting for it to happen, but don’t be surprised if they get blown off by some big names…

Actual Season Prediction: 36-46 because Kobe won’t play much, and when he does, he’ll be slower on both sides of the ball. This team will give up the most points of any team in the NBA.


  • Laker Fan For Life

    This article is a joke. Lakers will surprise people this year and Kobe Bryant is still the Black Mamba. Lakers shut up everyone last night when they ran “lob city” off the court. Too bad the Clipper’s team pictures weren’t hanging up over the Lakers 16 championship banners! Just because the Lakers don’t have an all-star doesn’t mean anything. Basketball and success are about much more than who has the most all-stars. Just by getting rid of Dwight’s sorry ass the Lakers took ten steps forward. All he did last year was turn the ball over, shoot free throws worse than mom’s in the stands, and slow us down by missing that hopeless hook shot of his. Lakers will finish with the 5-6 seed in the West and Kobe Bryant will be the same Kobe we’ve loved for 17 years. Lakers for life!

  • This article sucks

    Do you get paid to write this? I really hope not. This is a poorly written and dumb article. First of all your attacks on Kobe Bryant are baseless and ignorant. Kobe has given the Lakers more than most players will ever give a team. He stuck around for his entire career even through the crappy seasons (unlike some other superstars). He deserves to get paid and retire when he wants. Dwight Howard is a big pussy who could not handle the spotlight in LA and who cracked under the pressure. Kobe is a competitor and I’m sure other superstars can respect that. I am sure that some pretty good players can swallow their pride and play behind Kobe for a year or two before he retires. LA has as much basketball tradition as anyone and the Lakers will always be able to attract big name players. I agree this may be a rough year for the Lakers but greener pastures are in sight. Also, if you are going to write about sports you should at least pretend to know about them. Calling players by the wrong name really hurts your credibility. I’ll let you figure out which one is wrong yourself.

  • Armando Gonzalez Leon

    Jake O’Donnell … all my respect to your point of view but here goes mine. The Lakers will finish 7th place or better this year. Kobe Bryant will prove everyone wrong and will average more than 23 ppg, 5 reb, 7 asst. The chemistry of this team will be incredible and don’t be surprised if we pass the first round of the playoffs. The Lakers will win more than 48 games this year.


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