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DEAR MICHAEL SAM: The Internet Is Staring At Your Penis

While The New York Post was rather bearish with Michael Sam’s 4.91 40-yard dash time at yesterday’s NFL Combine, YouTube user Rob McDonald and Barstool Sports founder-in-chief David Portnoy seemed to come away very, very impressed.

With his penis. Because they were looking at it and, after much scrutiny and deliberation, have deemed it “a boner.” Good work guys. Way to stay on top of his dick.

[Barstool] Rule #1 of becoming the first gay NFL player in the history of the league? Don’t rock a boner at the combine. I mean guys like me don’t care, but you know there are some homophobes who are like “SEE I TOLD YOU!” He can’t even be around dudes in spandex without getting hard! We can’t have this boner popping lunatic beating off to us in the shower and shit.” Come on man. Can’t be dick slanging it at the combine like you’re a straight dude and give the haters something to complain about.

With all the talk of a gay teammate complicating the nudity dynamic in an NFL locker room — players like Jonathan Vilma are particularly worried about having their stuff observed — it turns out the real threat to the privacy of your junk lies with people like McDonald and Portnoy, who are clearly looking.

And judging.

Oh, and for the record, there’s no way in hell you can look at a guy in bicycle shorts and objectively qualify his level of arousal. To suggest Sam has an erection implies Portnoy equates “visible bulge” with “boner.” Without getting too personal here, if you’re wearing spandex and have a adult human penis, it will protrude. Perhaps Portnoy’s own personal experience has lead him to assume that isn’t necessarily always the case.

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