It’s Getting Harder To Believe That Tim Tebow Is A Virgin
Note: This article is about Tim Tebow. If you don’t want to read about Tim Tebow, do not read it. Or better yet, turn off your computer, chuck it out the window, and go live in the forest.
Tim Tebow is famous. He’s an athlete. He went to the University of Florida. He won a lot of awards and championships there. He played professional football. He’s been photographed running through the rain shirtless. He is, by most accounts, a really nice guy. Currently, he’s unemployed. So he hangs out on the USC campus, works out there, and takes photographs like this with the USC lacrosse team:
And we’re supposed to believe this guy doesn’t get laid?
Everyone knows Tebow is religious and wants to wait until marriage to get it on. But nowadays 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults 18 to 29 have had sex (only 8 percent less than their non-religious peers), and most of those people don’t have the kind of biography as listed above. Just one of those elements (Athlete? Florida? USC lacrosse team? Nothing else to do?) would be enough to leave any other person drowning in opportunities — or, as Tebow might call them, temptations.
And to top it all off, he’s 26. He’s only a couple years away from the average American male marriage age at his point. If you’re between the ages of 14-26, you likely jerked off before finishing this sentence. Is Tim Tebow some kind of magical being who doesn’t get horny despite being around hot athletic co-eds on a daily basis? Doubtful.
Tim Tebow is the entire package — if you disregard stuff like winning, which is why Tom Brady is actually the entire package. But he’s enough of a package to have gotten roughly 10,000 offers of sex since he was in high school. At this point, with nothing to do but break a sweat in the southern California sun and put his arms around college-aged strangers, it won’t be long now until he accepts one, if he hasn’t already.
**End transmission of wondering about Tim Tebow’s sex life**