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NFL

Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-14 St. Louis Rams (NSFW)


Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NFL season. This team-by-team preview details why your favorite franchise might have to start looking forward to next year — and highlights at least one reason for you to be hopeful. Today: we discuss the L.A. Rams.

NEWSFLASH: The Edward Jones Dome is a piece of god-awful shit. Habitually ranked at the top of those “Worst Stadiums In Sports” lists, it reflects the city of St. Louis’ commitment to their football team, which sucks by the way, because they’ve formally refused to pitch in a few million dollars a year to renovate this terrifyingly bad structure made entirely out of solidified horse diarrhea.

What does this say about the Rams? No one likes them and they should leave and change their name to something that goes well with Los Angeles. Also, it means experts with lots of money looked at the franchise and decided it won’t be profitable in the near future because the team will always suck and won’t bring in any extra money for the city. But hey, it’s not like you traded away Robert Griffin III for eight draft picks used on complementary players (pot head LB Alec Ogletree excluded).

Oh wait, you did.

And you know what, while we’re on the subject of QBs, Sam Bradford sucks, too. Wanna know how I know that? Statistics, team record, watching him, he’s named “Sam.” But I won’t waste your time by showing you all his subpar numbers and explaining why they make him subpar. That’d be subpar of me. I’ll leave it up to the nerds over at ProFootballReference.com, who consider Sam Bradford’s career “Similar” to these players:
Tim Couch, Vince Young, Dennis Shaw, Dan Pastorini, Mark Sanchez, Neil Lomax, David Woodley, Vinny Testaverde, Joey Harrington, Kerry Collins.

st. louis rams 2013That sounds more like a Grateful Dead cover band than a list of decent NFL quarterbacks. Neil Lomax? $50 says he manages a Caldor somewhere.

And don’t give me any of that “his O-line sucks” bullshit. He was sacked 35 times last year. That’s not even close to the league’s worst. Sure, they weren’t good — no one on the St. Louis Rams is good — but they weren’t the worst in the sport, either. Not sure what their excuse will be this year, considering they grabbed former 1st overall pick Jake Long in the offseason for, like, $30M, just so that he can share a bunk bed with his “brother” Chris Long. The fact still remains, you can give this kid as much time as you want, he still has no one to throw to.

Hell, the Rams haven’t had a 1000-yard receiver since 2007.

Couple that with the additional fact that Bradford had Steven Jackson in his prime for three years and still couldn’t make anything happen, and you’re pretty much screwed to infinity, and beyond.

What a pathetic waste of a hundred yards of turf. Makes me sicker than an Edward Jones Dome pulled pork sandwich — which, by the way, are made of bits of grandpa’s favorite couch and whole gorilla teeth.

I digress. The 2013 St. Louis Rams play in the best division in football. No, the Cardinals still suck, I’m talking about the other two teams: The 49ers and the Seahawks. Those may be the best two teams in the NFC. The Rams, by comparison, lost their two best offensive weapons in Jackson and Danny Amendola, and play inside a hollowed out whale carcass.

Why you might not be screwed: Tavon Austin might turn into a star, which would dramatically affect the development of Sam Bradford. Coming off consecutive 100-catch seasons at West Virginia, Austin was the Rams’ first WR picked in the first round since Tory Holt in 1910. Also, Daryl Richardson is considered the 55th best RB in the league and averaged six yards a carry in their preseason game against the Browns. Not sure if that’s good news, but he’s supposed to be explosive — which is a good thing in football. Young nucleus? Maybe. Oh ya, and didn’t the Rams beat the Niners in OT last year? So you’ve got that going for you…

Actual prediction: 5-11, though Bradford comes together late in the season, keeping hope alive for 2014, as they win three straight to close out this forgettable year. Then the rumors of a move back to L.A. start.

Read the rest of our Pretty Much Screwed previews here.


  • NinersFan

    haha gorilla teeth

  • You suck

    You have no idea what your are talking about. The rams beat both the 49ers and the Seahawks almost twice last year.

  • why do i read shit like this

    Love the mistakes grammar and Congrats on your professionalism. A 5th grader could be write a better piece than you just did.

  • Jake O’Donnell

    Almost. Beat the Seahawks early on and tied the Niners.

  • Steven Stills

    a 5th grader could write a way better comment

  • Black

    based on your review or lack thereof I’d say you fit right in with the opinion that you have of the Rams. Part of the reason you probably didn’t bring up any statistics or any real fact is because of your inadequate ability to use any proper sentence I’m trying to write any sort of article on anything let alone a football team. not sure what journalism school you attended but my guess is they are pretty subpar themselves if they were ignorant enough to give someone with your lack of etiquette a degree. Nice attempt though at throwing a biased, piece of garbage you called a review. maybe you are one of those bandwagon jumpers that hops from Superbowl team to a Superbowl team each year. considering you say no one on the Rams is good I would love to see you getting there and throw a few passes or take a couple sacks if you think you’re any better. but hey, anyone can sound cool behind a computer screen what the keyboard in front of them.

  • Jake O’Donnell

    It was meant to be sarcastic and incendiary. Hyperbole. They’re not bad points, they’re just dressed up to be over the top. Also, this isn’t the New York Times, dude. It’s a sports blog with a raunchy streak. I do not have a journalism degree, much like you do not seem to have any idea what constitutes “journalism” in the first place. Get some perspective.

  • Ecitylouis

    What a fucking moron, Chris and Jake are not related…plus Sam has improved EVERY year since he has been in the league, not like those other scrubs.

  • Bob Kool

    The moron that wrote this article should be promptly fired for compromising the integrity and credibility of this site. This guy obviously doesn’t know shit about football or the Rams. Please dismiss him before he spouts more of this drivel.

  • edh

    What a jackass

  • edh

    Douche bag LA jackass

  • This author is dumb

    You (the author) have obviously done no research. The fact that you think chris long and jake long are brothers just proves how little you know about the NFL. Hope you get fired, you are a pathetic excuse for a writer!

  • BayArea77

    Ya, neither will they sleep in bunk beds. And Tory Holt wasn’t drafted in 1910. He’s being sarcastic, dude.

  • Hahahahahahahahha

    I will never figure out why people that can’t write worth a can of gorilla teeth attempt to be either funny or incendiary in producing articles like these. What a waste of cyber-space. Definitely can’t write, and definitely doesn’t know anything about his topic. Maybe if he did some research he could actually make a point instead of just spewing out… Well, you go ahead and finish that last sentence for yourselves!

    “But hey, it’s not like you traded away Robert Griffin III for eight draft picks used on complimentary players (pot head LB Alec Ogletree excluded).” Brockers, Jenkins, Givens…much more than complementary already, and we’ll see about Austin and Bailey AND Ogletree, DROY in the making.

    “Complimentary,” uh, I think you meant “complementary…”

    “The 2013 St. Louis Rams play in the best division in football. No, the Cardinals still suck, I’m talking about the other two teams: The 49ers and the Seahawks. Those may be the best two teams in the NFC.” Again, uh, the Rams went 4-1-1 in the NFC West…Only the Seahawks beat us, and only once.

    “The Rams, by comparison, lost their two best offensive weapons in Jackson and Danny Amendola…” Completely a matter of opinion. Amendola has missed many games due to injury the past two seasons. Furthermore, I would argue that the departure of Amendola and Jackson (who I am a huge fan of, by the way) will enable Sam Bradford to a) spread the ball around more and not rely on one guy as a security blanket, and b) step up and become the leader of the team as the quarterback should be.

  • Nathan Kearns

    Steven Jackson* Torry Holt* Just stop. Please.

  • Greed

    The author should pack his bags and find a new foster home. Writing isn’t going to work for you……

  • Greed

    “Jake O’Donnell” contains 12 letters……so does loserrrrrrrr. Conincidence? Hmmm…

  • Greed

    haha……a city that brings new meaning to the word Cockpit

  • Greed

    and Toolshed…

  • Worst Article Ever

    The dumbest thing I’ve read all day regarding content, grammar and spelling. Never coming back to this site for any kind of information on sports. This article may have been written by Bernie Kosar under the pseudo name “Jake O’Donnell”.

  • Tim

    Wow… im assuming u have some sort of bias against the rams, thats pretty clear because so little of ur article is based on fact, I would still get it if it was actually funny. The whole reason u posted this POS article was to take a shot at a team u don’t like and get some laughs, but u even failed at that by resorting to elementary school name calling. U failed. Like really bad. Bad enough
    u should probably disappear for awhile and re evaluate what ur doing with ur life.

  • ron from st louis

    WAS WRITTEN BY AN IDIOT ME VOICING THIS OPINION WILL MAKE THE RAMS A GOOD TEAM AND MY WIFE AND CHILDREN LOVE ME AGAIN

  • ron from st louis

    THE ONLY THING I TAKE MORE SERIOUSLY THAN A FOOTBALL TEAM THAT WILL NEVER WIN ANYTHING THIS YEAR IS WORDS THAT ARE WRITTEN ON THE INTERNET MY PRIORITIES ARE VERY IN ORDER FIRE THIS PERSON I DONT KNOW PLEASE

  • ron from st louis

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!11111 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  • St. Loois

    Nice try Ron, but the Rams are obviously the dumbest team in the world, clearly followed by the dumbest fans. Just read how pissed these guys get over a joke article…

  • ron from st louis

    JAKE O’DONNELL HAS LIVED HIS ENTIRE LIFE SEEKING THE ACCEPTANCE OF FOOTBALL FANS FROM ST LOUIS WHO GET WIFI IN THEIR PARENTS HOUSE WHERE THEY ALL STILL LIVE, SO OUR COMMENTS RIGHT NOW ARE THE SWEETEST REVENGE, YOU GUYS! LETS BAND TOGETHER MY BROTHERS

  • Eric Goldschein

    This guy is awesome.

  • Matt

    Actually Sam has regressed each year. Stop rewriting history. We can all look this stuff up.

  • matt

    All the butthurt Rams fans are making me laugh. Your team sucks, has always sucked and will always suck. Get over it. It’s not this guys fault.

  • Clinton Uba

    Bring The Rams back To Los Angeles


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