Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-14 St. Louis Rams (NSFW)

  • Jake O'Donnell

Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NFL season. This team-by-team preview details why your favorite franchise might have to start looking forward to next year — and highlights at least one reason for you to be hopeful. Today: we discuss the L.A. Rams.

NEWSFLASH: The Edward Jones Dome is a piece of god-awful shit. Habitually ranked at the top of those “Worst Stadiums In Sports” lists, it reflects the city of St. Louis’ commitment to their football team, which sucks by the way, because they’ve formally refused to pitch in a few million dollars a year to renovate this terrifyingly bad structure made entirely out of solidified horse diarrhea.

What does this say about the Rams? No one likes them and they should leave and change their name to something that goes well with Los Angeles. Also, it means experts with lots of money looked at the franchise and decided it won’t be profitable in the near future because the team will always suck and won’t bring in any extra money for the city. But hey, it’s not like you traded away Robert Griffin III for eight draft picks used on complementary players (pot head LB Alec Ogletree excluded).

Oh wait, you did.

And you know what, while we’re on the subject of QBs, Sam Bradford sucks, too. Wanna know how I know that? Statistics, team record, watching him, he’s named “Sam.” But I won’t waste your time by showing you all his subpar numbers and explaining why they make him subpar. That’d be subpar of me. I’ll leave it up to the nerds over at, who consider Sam Bradford’s career “Similar” to these players:
Tim Couch, Vince Young, Dennis Shaw, Dan Pastorini, Mark Sanchez, Neil Lomax, David Woodley, Vinny Testaverde, Joey Harrington, Kerry Collins.

st. louis rams 2013That sounds more like a Grateful Dead cover band than a list of decent NFL quarterbacks. Neil Lomax? $50 says he manages a Caldor somewhere.

And don’t give me any of that “his O-line sucks” bullshit. He was sacked 35 times last year. That’s not even close to the league’s worst. Sure, they weren’t good — no one on the St. Louis Rams is good — but they weren’t the worst in the sport, either. Not sure what their excuse will be this year, considering they grabbed former 1st overall pick Jake Long in the offseason for, like, $30M, just so that he can share a bunk bed with his “brother” Chris Long. The fact still remains, you can give this kid as much time as you want, he still has no one to throw to.

Hell, the Rams haven’t had a 1000-yard receiver since 2007.

Couple that with the additional fact that Bradford had Steven Jackson in his prime for three years and still couldn’t make anything happen, and you’re pretty much screwed to infinity, and beyond.

What a pathetic waste of a hundred yards of turf. Makes me sicker than an Edward Jones Dome pulled pork sandwich — which, by the way, are made of bits of grandpa’s favorite couch and whole gorilla teeth.

I digress. The 2013 St. Louis Rams play in the best division in football. No, the Cardinals still suck, I’m talking about the other two teams: The 49ers and the Seahawks. Those may be the best two teams in the NFC. The Rams, by comparison, lost their two best offensive weapons in Jackson and Danny Amendola, and play inside a hollowed out whale carcass.

Why you might not be screwed: Tavon Austin might turn into a star, which would dramatically affect the development of Sam Bradford. Coming off consecutive 100-catch seasons at West Virginia, Austin was the Rams’ first WR picked in the first round since Tory Holt in 1910. Also, Daryl Richardson is considered the 55th best RB in the league and averaged six yards a carry in their preseason game against the Browns. Not sure if that’s good news, but he’s supposed to be explosive — which is a good thing in football. Young nucleus? Maybe. Oh ya, and didn’t the Rams beat the Niners in OT last year? So you’ve got that going for you…

Actual prediction: 5-11, though Bradford comes together late in the season, keeping hope alive for 2014, as they win three straight to close out this forgettable year. Then the rumors of a move back to L.A. start.

Read the rest of our Pretty Much Screwed previews here.

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