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ComedyFootballNFLPolice Blotter

The Ray Lewis Guide To Getting Away With Murder (This Is For You, Aaron Hernandez)


In this day and age, it isn’t all that easy to get away with a crime as serious as murder, which is unfortunate for former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who was arrested today and charged with murder following the death of a semi-pro football player. But thankfully for Aaron, he can look back on the classic Ray Lewis method and if he executes it to perfection, he’ll get off scot-free.

As you probably remember, Lewis was and two friends were arrested when two men were killed following a Super Bowl celebration party back in 2000. There was a fight. Two people were stabbed. Blood was found on Lewis’ suit and in his limo. Lewis was sentenced to 12 months probation while his two friends were found innocent in court.

There were three steps to the Ray Lewis plan of attack to stay out of prison and on the football field. If Aaron Hernandez wants to avoid jail time and the end of his football career, he’s going to need to follow them very closely. Without further ado, here is The Ray Lewis Guide To Getting Away With Murder:

Step 1. Agree to testify in court against your two friends in exchange for the murder charges against yourself being dropped. Tell your friends to play along with your story and not to contradict you, but not to admit to anything either. Go over the case with a legal expert and make sure that the testimony you plan on giving is strong enough to convince the prosecution to drop your charges, but not strong enough to actually convict your friends. That way, you get probation for originally lying about what happened, your friends are found innocent, and everyone goes home happy.

Step 2. Whenever somebody questions you about the murder case for the rest of your life, use your religious beliefs to steer the line of questioning elsewhere. Here’s a great example from Ray Lewis himself when he was asked about the murders in a press conference before the 2013 Super Bowl:

Nobody here is really qualified to ask those questions. I just truly feel that this is God’s time, and whatever his time is, you know, let it be his will. Don’t try to please everybody with your words, try to make everybody’s story sound right. At this time, I would rather direct my questions in other places. Because I live with that every day. You maybe can take a break from it. I don’t. I live with it every day of my life and I would rather not talk about it today.

So, what happened there is that Lewis decided on God’s behalf that its God’s time, even though he says that time is God’s will. And when its God’s time, as Lewis decided that it is, you can’t ask him questions about his involvement in murders. Is a reporter going to tell you that it isn’t “God’s time” and make you answer the question? Never. In essence, this is a loophole to avoid answering questions about murder and it works flawlessly every single time.

Step 3. In the third and final step, you pay off the family of the murder victim(s) in an out-of-court settlement, but make sure that the settlement involves a nondisclosure agreement so that the family can not mention what it was for. If you are ever asked about the settlement my the media, either explain that you can not talk about it or simply invoke the loophole described in Step 2.

There you have it. If Aaron Hernandez wants to avoid going to jail and keep his two friends out of jail too, all he has to do is follow this simple plan and all of the issues will disappear. He might even be able to win a Super Bowl 13 years later and after that everyone will ignore the fact that he might have murdered somebody and ESPN might even hire him as an analyst, but we’re talking in hypotheticals here.

[Disclaimer: Ray Lewis was only found guilty of obstruction of justice. The murder charges against him were dropped, so he of course did not "get away with murder."]


  • Mike Thigpen

    Before Step1, 2, and 3 Don’t destroy your Security Cameras and Cell Phone….. Idiot. NFL needs to get it together 27th player to be Arrested after the SuperBowl

  • Anonymous

    He destroyed his cell phone because it had a killer app.

  • Anonymous

    The final step is to make sure people are still talking about it 10 years later because they hate you completely, not because you actually got away with “murder”.

  • Anthony Michael England

    haha good one

  • Kel

    Wow, shows how stupid people really are! Stop speaking on something you obviously don’t know about. They are 2 totally different cases. There’s a difference in being in the wrong place and actually murdering someone you want dead! I get it you need a story and something to write about but dam at least make it truthful!

  • msf1972

    blood on his suit, blood in the limo AND paying off the victim’s family members… DOES NOT = being in the wrong place!!!

  • msf1972

    but you are correct these are two different cases… this was pre-meditated, this is a clown thinking he lives the “Scarface” life… however BOTH are thugs that NFL gave to much money to and allowed them to feel they are above the law (by no means the only two thugs in professional sports however)

  • Tony Macchione

    This was an execution not a fight….. This method wont work but I liked the article

  • Frank Gorillizi

    DAMN AARON BOUT THAT LIFE

  • Kel

    Hanging around the wrong people n yes the WRONG place. Thought the other people he was with claimed self defense and won?????? So regardless if he got rid of a suit he didnt kill anybody didn’t plan a murder n didn’t participate in the stabbing. Omg people need to get off his d***, like dammmmm he hasn’t been involved in anything but positive stuff since then. Funny all the comments are probably by the only perfect people in the world….. Oh never mind there are none!

  • the truth

    Destroying evidince & misleading the police is more than being in she wrong place. The difference is one team supports murders & another one doesn’t.

  • Anonymous

    An athlete can be a total scumbag and fans won’t give a shit as long as there’s a chance the team might get a shiny trophy. These same types of people will also vote for a total scumbag just because they got a free phone.

  • Kel

    Right cause he killed someone?????
    People r so clueless to what actually happened!
    Stop hating on the team u sound stupid

  • ESQ

    Man you said it all!

  • John

    Please shut the fuck up.

  • Kel

    Please get the fuck off the page n the fuck off my comments dumb ass!

  • Kel

    Mayb ur confusing ray Lewis with Rae carruth?

  • John S

    The real criminal here is the author, who should be brought up on charges of libel or slander.

  • Anonymous

    This isn’t Twitter.

  • Atrain

    Ray Lewis, OJ…just goes to show that rich people get away with murder. Hernandez will likely get off too. That’s the legal system in this country. Money buys innocence and circumstantial evidence doesn’t convict. And if you don’t believe that, you’re an idiot. Also, Kel you’re a moron.

  • stuffitt

    Enough slamming on Hernandez cant you people just leave it alone. This is gods time and only he can decide what really happened

  • Jay

    The only thing I see that Ray did wrong was lie to the police. He probably lied to them being an African American Male and scared that the police would abuse there power like they tend to do with just African Americans but other Minority sometimes even White people. Also seem like he could have be protecting his friends from something they did Blood on the suit could have gotten on him any kind of way from his friend rushing to the limo, etc because at the fight that many witnesses said it was self defense and the fight was 2 on 2. So I agree Ray should just came out and told the cops he was there and he witness the fight instead of trying to protect his 2 dumb ass friends because now they will think he was a part of the murders. Then he even got punished for lying you at like he just got of Scott free like O.J or something. Then Paying the the 2 Families for their loses that just a type of thing Ray does he always cared about others. Name any famous or rich person doing that after being accused and going though all that not many. I think the reason why people are so Hostile towards him is because he famous and he won most the time we want them to fail when it comes to that or you are so use to famous people actually getting convicted that when one doesn’t its couldn’t be true.

  • suretylink

    A photo shopped picture to go with photo shopped distortion of an article–nice balance! Glad to see others in comment section see through this sham.

  • swatter

    You are illiterate. You be sounding like lewis. Lewis isis a cowardly snitch

  • swatter

    Next article should br how to not have 6 illegitimate kids with 4 different woman. For lewis step 1 is to cut off his coal stick.

  • Gene Roman

    God can sure be a prick, letting Ray murder those men.

  • Rich

    Ray Lewis is a murder period he needs to be in jail but AH needs to be free he didn’t do anything

  • Rug

    I don’t think you know what the word illiterate means.

  • Dewbert

    Sounds like you’re on his dick & you like it.

  • DoMiNo

    Papa roach said it best, and thats exactly what these low lifes have done.

  • psage

    get off of ray lewis’s d ick


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