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Is Tim Tebow Signing With The Chiefs As A Grounds Crew Member?

Tim Tebow Shirtless

(OK, fine, this is from The Onion, and it’s completely false. But it’s hilarious, and not nearly as farfetched as it would have been a year ago.)

Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had my coffee yet, but when I read this, my mind didn’t immediately call bullshit. For a second, I was like, well, nobody is signing him, and wouldn’t he be a damn good grounds crew worker? They always say you’ve just gotta get your foot in the door. This could be some movie-theater shit; Tebow goes from Heisman to bust, to grounds crew to SUPER BOWL CHAMP.

NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Monday that at least six NFL franchises have expressed serious interest in quarterback Tim Tebow as a grounds crew worker, claiming that the former Florida Gators star would be a perfect fit for their field maintenance team.

Wouldn’t he be?

“From a purely physical standpoint, Tebow has the size, strength, and agility for turf management, snow removal, or lifting 50 pounds of mulch,” said Kansas City Chiefs general manager John Dorsey, who expressed concerns about whether Tebow possessed the mental makeup to handle the stresses of mowing at a professional level. “Tim certainly has the skills to unload equipment, water grass, and organize and clean the storage areas, but he’s a little sloppy. We would be willing to take a chance on him for the league minimum, of course. However, if he wants insurance, he needs to put in 40 hours a week.” Tebow has reportedly stated that he wants to paint the lines on the field, but all the interested NFL teams agreed that the 26-year-old was not yet ready for such a challenging task.

Too funny. And I will now head to the comment section, where some people will undoubtedly take this seriously and call me names.

[The Onion]

Photo via

  • Walter Tillis

    Matt Rudnitsky, You pitiful little twerp. Is this the best you can come up with to try and denigrate a man who lives a good and honest life? Are you so simple of mind that you really think this is funny? I pity you. You’re a child at best and an Idiot are worst. Pitiful Idiot Child.

  • GooberSnotpants

    no u

  • Anonymous

    i don’t think you get it. have you heard of the onion?

  • Anonymous

    and yes i thought it was really funny

  • Derp

    Dude, Lighten up….Have you ever heard of this thing called a joke?

  • Mag

    A joke at another persons expense. When will we all be just tired of this type of behavior?
    Here is a man with well documented athletic prowess, National Champion and Heisman winner who is being demeaned by someone who can not hold his jock.

  • Linda Armstrong

    When you go out of your way to make yourself a public figure, you are fair game for ridicule. You don’t get to have the perks of fame without the brickbats. Mr. Tebow, I am sure, understands this. That said, I think all ambitious young people should watch what is going on with him. He had a billion dollar public platform going for him before the preseason. I am sure everyone told him it wasn’t going to work. He lost some supporters when they saw that what critics were saying about his talent was true. Every day that passes now without making decisive move to media or another career brings more publicity-seekers with offers like this. It makes him look foolish and is eroding his public base. He will be fine, but some choices he had a few months ago may have disappeared.

  • Linda Armstrong

    Some people don’t seem to have a sense of humor.

  • Walter Tillis

    I suppose you people that think the Onion is so hilarious also think it’s funny to see someone snatch the crutches from a person crippled by polio, and then watch the try to walk or stand back up after falling. You think that’s funny, hunh? Or you think it’s funny to see a dog fall out of the rear of a pick-up truck and slide down the highway on it’s side ? You think it’s funny to see a person choke in a restaurant because of the gyrations they make trying to dislodge food from their windpipe. That’s the kind of comedy you enjoy? Well have at it. A joke is a joke, but to belittle someone for simply desiring to follow a dream I think shows more of what each of you are, than to show any comedy value.

  • Anonymous

    Matt, why don’t you write about a real pretender like Braun. Oh, I think I know the reason.

  • Eric Goldschein

    I think you should be more specific so I can figure out whether to ban you or not.

  • qwqw

    Take it easy, tough guy. The Onion is satirical, taking a disabled person’s crutches is just nasty. Two totally different things….

  • qwqw

    Are you aware of satire? Aren’t you just denigrating (potentially) good an honest people with your non-sensical comments? Funny enough…

    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s STUPIDITY or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

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