- People Still Love Buying The Jersey Of The Browns' Backup Quarterback, For Some Reason
- SportsGrid's 2014 Pre-Camp NFL Power Rankings And Bold-Ass Predictions
- While Derek Jeter Gets #RE2PECT, Alex Rodriguez Gets A Whole Lot Of #F13K Yous
- Dutch Cyclist Claims He Switched Off Of Both Doomed Malaysian Airlines Flights
- Georgia's Todd Gurley Gunning For 2,000 Yards This Season
Team USA Doesn’t Want No Stinking Bronze Medal, Loses 5-0 To Finland
Well that was embarrassing. From potential heros and all that “the best team in the tournament” talk, to empty nets and empty necks — the U.S. hockey team got shellacked by the Fins. Did they pack it in? Of course they did — real Americans don’t bother with ordinary metals like bronze (which isn’t even on the periodic table because it’s some sort of copper-tin bullshit ripoff). Sounds like it’d give you an allergic reaction, anyways. Stay classy, Team USA — thanks for wasting all your goals on Slovenia or whoever (after which they’ve been shutout for six consecutive periods). And didn’t the women’s team already beat Finland 3-1 earlier in the tournament? Ya, so that counts. Series tied at 1-1. Consider this one a wash.
Have a beer on us and come back home ready to pretend like the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics never happen.
Zach Parise on NBCSN: "They played like they had something to win, and we just kind of shut it down. … It wasn't a good effort by us."
— Mike Cole (@MikeColeNESN) February 22, 2014
The loss, which is tied for the largest shutout loss in U.S. Men’s Olympic Hockey history, came on short rest after an admittedly exhausting contest against Canada, who’ll be playing Sweden tomorrow in the Gold medal game. Good for them.
Also, good for 43-year-old Teemu Selanne, who scored two goals despite being 43-years-old.
And good for Vladimir Putin, who’s consolation prize was hand-delivered by a country Russia annexed 80 years ago.*
Lastly, good for American NHL fans, who can go back to giving a fuck about the important version of the game, which is played in America, for money, because freedom and sweet cars and Twitter or something.
Suck it, Winter Olympic hockey. We’ll never forgive you for all this. Or this…
*Correction via message board
Photo via Getty
- Danica Patrick Says She's Sick of Being Sexy
- So What Does Bill Belichick Think About Weed?
- Deion Sanders: Johnny Manziel Has 'Ghetto Tendencies'
- The Top 10 Worst Yankee Contracts