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Team USA Doesn’t Want No Stinking Bronze Medal, Loses 5-0 To Finland

Well that was embarrassing. From potential heros and all that “the best team in the tournament” talk, to empty nets and empty necks — the U.S. hockey team got shellacked by the Fins. Did they pack it in? Of course they did — real Americans don’t bother with ordinary metals like bronze (which isn’t even on the periodic table because it’s some sort of copper-tin bullshit ripoff). Sounds like it’d give you an allergic reaction, anyways. Stay classy, Team USA — thanks for wasting all your goals on Slovenia or whoever (after which they’ve been shutout for six consecutive periods). And didn’t the women’s team already beat Finland 3-1 earlier in the tournament? Ya, so that counts. Series tied at 1-1. Consider this one a wash.

Have a beer on us and come back home ready to pretend like the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics never happen.

The loss, which is tied for the largest shutout loss in U.S. Men’s Olympic Hockey history, came on short rest after an admittedly exhausting contest against Canada, who’ll be playing Sweden tomorrow in the Gold medal game. Good for them.

Also, good for 43-year-old Teemu Selanne, who scored two goals despite being 43-years-old.

And good for Vladimir Putin, who’s consolation prize was hand-delivered by a country Russia annexed 80 years ago.*

Lastly, good for American NHL fans, who can go back to giving a fuck about the important version of the game, which is played in America, for money, because freedom and sweet cars and Twitter or something.

Suck it, Winter Olympic hockey. We’ll never forgive you for all this. Or this…

*Correction via message board

Photo via Getty

  • bc puckett

    The U.S. played Slovakia, Russia, and Slovenia in the preliminary round. The Czech Republic in the quarterfinals and Canada in the semis. This was their only meeting with Finland. Good work.

  • Jimmieboy

    So it seems that in addition to the fact that you haven’t been watching USA’s hockey games in these Olympics (never played Finland in these Olympics before today) you also don’t know history. Soviet Union never occupied Finland. Not that good journalistic skills shown in this article…have to say

  • Jake O’Donnell
  • Jake O’Donnell

    The point was to A) be a joke that the US gave up so we’re acting like it’s not worth researching/taking seriously

    B) Was referring to the US women beating Finland

  • bc puckett

    A: It certainly wouldn’t be the first thing you didn’t think was worth researching.

    B: Nice edit to add the women’s team

    C: I couldn’t be more relaxed.

  • Jake O’Donnell

    It said “didn’t we beat Finland already,” as in the U.S.

  • bc puckett

    And now it says “didn’t the women’s team already beat Finland 3-1″ That’s what I meant by nice edit.
    Look you didn’t know whether they played or not and now you’re just trying to cover your ass.
    That’s fine. I apologize for expecting accuracy in things I read.

  • Jake O’Donnell

    Ya, I clarified it. Either way, thanks for heads up.

  • E.P.

    Annexing parts of some country is very much different thing than occupying one – with you logic, you might as well claim that during the WW2 Romania was occupied by Hungary because of the Second Vienna Award. Had you been done your research properly, you could have pointed out that 100 years ago Finland was still part of Russian Empire, though.

  • Judy Whitehead

    Is this actually sports “reporting”? There’s no analysis of the playing, or players, nothing but a kind of 5-year-old complaint, “we lost, F*-you, world.” You learn nothing from this article except that some American journalist is very angry.
    Following the tweets and responses of fans and journalists has been a drag during this hockey tournament. 20 years ago, people actually displayed some knowledge of the game, now it’s just F-bombs; I believe there’s even a twitter account F-Canada and probably one F-Finland today.
    I thought that the huge expansion of the NHL would lower the standard of play. No, but it’s sure lowered the standard of hockey journalism. And the Canadian fans are as bad as the American fans (for reasons of full disclosure, I’m speaking as a Canadian, obviously older, since I remember a very different journalism about hockey).
    Luck does play a role in hockey, as in life, and no-one can dispute that the Canada USA semifinal was a fantastic game. *That’s* what we should be celebrating.

  • Freddy

    Quitters are quitters period. Doesn’t matter if the bronze meant nothing or not. We never teach our kids that if you don’t get first place than just give up. What a completely retarded article at all levels.

  • Fourth line BOB

    BOOOOURNS!! When i say Boo I mean Boo HOO!! typical american response…claim indifference when you lose…covered up by a “satirical” article….You stay classy America….

  • Freddy

    Classless IMO. Always play your hardest no matter what you are playing for. Funny how the same people who’s use nothing to play for as an excuse are the same who ripped Canada for losing the bronze medal game in 2002.

  • Jake

    Glad we’ve clarified that important distinction, though it was an off handed reference made in jest. I’ll make sure to leave the European history out next time.

  • Swedish chef

    Jake Jake Jake.. you try so hard to be funny but unfortunately only time you made us laugh was here when you referred to the Wikipedia-article about WW2, to explain your writing.. Man, that was just hilarious! Well, being ordinary blogger doesn´t mean person has to have any journalistic skills, including reading your own “sources” properly.. go and check out the Winter War part from that same article you linked here. Maybe you will find out why it is always so sweet for the Finns to beat up Russians in this fine game called ice hockey. Btw, this time they send Russian team out from the medal games by winning them 3-1, it was the most devastating loss for the Russians during the Olympics. I read this from ESPN, but wait.. they didn´t show any Wikipedia stuff to proof it.. who should I trust now? LOL

  • Swedish chef

    No, just leave the Wikipedia references.. :)

  • BennyIsMyNameBeerIsMyGame

    I’m sorry that your readers don’t understand humor,Jake.I apologize for them,even if they don’t know why.They ain’t that bright.

    About that game,though…..DAYUUUUUMMM!!!!…..POUNDED!!!….BOOM!


  • Bunga

    This is exactly how Americans act when they pretend not to care about something they really care about. Good job!


    Wow…can you say sore losers? Seriously grow some balls and show some sportsmanship

  • Harold van Beek

    You don’t care about Bronze medals? Then don’t count them in the Medals count like they are gold. In that case the USA is 4th!

  • Dave2222

    never mind Jake, I get that you were being tongue in cheek, and I’m Canadian.Some people just can’t loosen up

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