Cristiano Ronaldo, otherworldly soccer player for Real Madrid and Portugal/coiner of the most effective pickup line of all time (“Me, you, fuck, fuck,”) has a new haircut. His hair is blonde. This should not be international, Twitter-breaking news, but it likely will be. He’s also wearing hipster glasses. Haters will continue to hate, perhaps with greater vigor, if that’s possible. Admirers will probably continue to admire and acquiesce to his poetic pickups.
The German tabloid Bild gives us the important news and the important nickname: BLONALDO (because Ronaldo’s name is Ronaldo and his hair is now blonde):
He has had vision problems in the past, so this act is not very hipster, despite the frames. He also makes millions of euros, which is more hipster than making millions of dollars, but not hipster at all.
The only consequence of the style change: Ronaldo’s world-record has DoucheQuotient™ doubled.